Muffie Bradshaw: No Good Men?
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Are you Settling?
Often times we are quick to label ourselves as “settling” if we renege on one or two expectations for a mate; but in all actuality, the determination of settling should not be dependent upon one or two wants that aren’t being met. Instead, settling should be based on specific needs that aren’t being met.
Knowing the difference between a need and a want is simple: If your need is not met, you will continuously be dissatisfied with the relationship. Trying to convince yourself that your need is an insignificant want, may seem tolerable for a while but your tolerance will eventually turn into resentment and discontent. Consequently, you’ll most likely leave the relationship, have many failed attempts in changing the person or both due to your neglected needs. Conversely, a want will not be a significant hindrance if it’s not met because your needs in the relationship are being met. For example, ideally you wouldn’t want your partner to have any children, but you end up in a relationship with someone who does. This doesn’t act as a hindrance because you’re still satisfied with the relationship due to your emotional and physical needs being met.
So, when is it okay to reconsider your “needs” without categorizing it as settling? I don’t have a clear-cut answer for you, but I can certainly help you figure it out by sharing my experience:
The older I got, the more I realized that a lot of things on my “needs” list were merely insignificant wants that weren’t required for a fulfilling relationship. It was then that I realized I could be missing out on a great guy because I refused to look past his relative–and sometimes minimal–flaws. I was so unwilling to “settle”, not because his flaws were intolerable, but because I was fearful that I wouldn’t be content with the relationship. Once I realized that ideal was faulty, I was able to be more accepting of a seemingly flawed man…
In my perfect world, the person I end up in a relationship with would have impeccable style sense (among many other things) and know that it’s not okay to wear creased sweatpants with Kenneth Cole church shoes. I couldn’t imagine “settling” for anything less until I started dating a Mr. No Style who lacked the fashion sense I so badly desired. We met up for a first date and I couldn’t understand why he thought a FUBU hoodie and mustard color khakis were acceptable to wear outside of Halloween, yard work and/or washing his car. I felt bad because of my obvious shallowness and tried everything short of counseling to get past this HUGE turnoff because I knew it was stupid to ex him out due to the way he dressed. After several failed attempts of, “Babe, I don’t like your Sammy Davis inspired tap shoes. Why don’t we go for something a little more subtle,” didn’t work, I eventually realized I had the choice of leaving the relationship or accepting his flaw. Would I be settling if I choose to stick with a guy who was fashionably challenged? It was then that I realized I had misperceived my ideal of settling. Not getting everything I fantasized about in a partner was not indicative of settling…
Simply put, the list of “needs” we have for a mate should not hinder the authenticity of a good relationship due to trivial wants we deem as mandatory. If you find yourself trying to change what you thought you accepted, that may be an indication that significant needs are not getting met. If you find yourself content with something you thought you couldn’t accept, that may be an indication that your needs are being substantially met. Either way, it is important to understand the magnitude of knowing exactly what you need out of a partner in order to maximize the relationship’s success. Remember: You’re not settling if you date someone with flaws. You’re settling if you continue to date someone whose flaws neglect your needs.
Part I: Men and the 10 Dating Categories
Part I: Men and the 10 Dating Categories
Part I: Men and the 10 Dating Categories
1. Mr. Dater
This is the guy who you know is only good for going out on dates. He’s far from your type and only has 3 out of 20 qualities on “The List”, but there‘s something about him that keeps you interested. Usually, it’s a quality that would be considered shallow by most (i.e. He looks just like , he makes a lot of money, etc.). There’s a slim chance that the two of you could have a serious long-lasting relationship because he’s significantly under-qualified. The men I dated who have fallen into this category were generally good guys, but I knew it would never go further than an occasional date because of the pretentious nature in which the dating relationship started. Besides, it’s always a terrible idea to force a relationship based on trivial qualities.
Alternatively, Mr. Dater could be the guy who‘s a good catch, but not ready to settle down. He’s the one who has a very demanding career or the one who simply enjoys dating and has no intent on changing his lifestyle anytime soon. I enjoy dating men who fall into this category because I’m not fully ready to settle down and there’s no pressure to progress the dating relationship. It works for both of us.
2. Mr. Maybe
Most of the men you date start out as Mr. Maybe. Mr. Maybe is the guy who may have some quirks. In particular, he reminds you of Tommy from Martin. He swears that he has a job, but he always seems to be available ANYTIME of the day and is constantly talking about how “The Man” is trying to take him down. But, oddly enough, he has captivated your interest. One thing that I despise about dating Mr. Maybe is that most times it results in continuing a dating relationship knowing there’s no progression. Once the relationship ends I always feel a sense of disappointment because I settled for what was there and blatantly ignored the red flags.
Contrarily, Mr. Maybe could be the chivalrous guy who holds doors and doesn’t judge you when you tell him about your Spanx® story that took place in the club bathroom. Although these things add checks to “The List”, you realize that the relationship is still new so you have more investigation to do since his Facebook page wasn’t enough you want to be certain that he’s someone worth seriously dating.
3. Mr. Secret
Most people have dated at least one guy they’ve never told anyone about. This may be due to his lackluster personality, his inability to hold an intelligent conversation, his rhinestone encrusted gold tooth, etc. What ever the case may be, he was a secret for a reason. When you’re dating someone in this category, there’s a good chance that it won’t go any further than a few dates because of the lack of physical attraction, his constant use of the “word” conversate , yadda, yadda, yadda. Did I say lack of physical attraction? I’ve only dated one guy who fell into this category. He didn’t have manners and had this thing for women’s elbows was socially awkward, but due to his extraordinary persistence, I finally agreed to go on one date–Okay I lied; it was three. I’m sure some would ask why waste time going on multiple dates with someone who doesn’t spark my interest. In my case, I was in a short-lived dating drought while simultaneously wearing my TTBN (Trying-to-be-Nice) goggles.
4. Mr. Prince
He’s perfect. He’s so perfect that you’re hesitant to fall completely head-over-heels for this guy in fear of him being too good to be true, but you go through with it and you’re happy you did. Your conversations are fluid and he thinks your Dave Chappelle impersonations are hilarious. He meets most of the criteria on “The List” and does everything right. Mr. Prince could potentially become The One if things continuously progress in the right direction; but for now you’re just enjoying being in love.
5. The One
I’ll let you know when it happens. I promise. But what would I write about? *shrug*
What type of guy do you usually end up with? I usually end up with Mr. Dater.
All articles shared on http://www.muffiebradshaw.com are original pieces written by Muffie Bradshaw unless otherwise stated. So in other words, don’t re-blog without the props! =o)
Part II: Men and the 10 Dating Categories
6. Mr. Bad Boy
This is a tough category for me to delve into because I have not had the experience of dating a bad boy since my freshman year of high school (Sorry, mom). Mr. Bad Boy doesn’t necessarily have an episode on The First 48 nor has he been seen on Maury doing backfilps when he found out little Tay’Qwanell wasn’t his. However, I will admit that maybe there is a little something about an uninhibited man with a little too much confidence. I’m not sure what that something is and I’ve never been compelled to find out. However, there are some women who are willing to test the waters with Mr. Bad Boy. Maybe it’s the chase or maybe it’s the excitement of the relationship. No matter the reasoning, when you choose to date a Mr. Bad Boy, know what you’re getting yourself into and don’t try to change him, especially since you were initially attracted to his unconventional ways.
7. Mr. Fantasy
Mr. Fantasy is the guy who you’ve been stalking on Facebook watching from afar. You’re extremely attracted to him and he seems to meet all of the major requirements on your list. Once you get his attention, you know there’s a good chance that he’ll fall for you. Before you know it, you two have been on a few dates and everything is going well until Mr. Fantasy isn’t as intriguing as you once thought he was. You never understood why he had to call his mom after every date. And what was up with that Wayne Brady shrine in his Living Room? The smoke clears and your Mr. Fantasy quickly turns into Mr. Are-You-Kidding-Me. It never fails; unrealistic expectations will always turn into failed realities.
My experience with Mr. Fantasy has always been a dupe in the end. When I come across a man who is aesthetically appealing and perfect on paper, I tend to get the fantasy confused with reality by envisioning this perfect specimen of a man. This ideal obviously sets me up for disappointment because no one is perfect, no matter how symmetrical their face and how awesome their resume is. Due to my past mistakes with Mr. Fantasy, I now realize that Mr. Fantasy is just that…a fantasy. And that Wayne Brady shrine? It’s not so bad, is it?
8. Mr. Platonic
How many of us have had a friend who confessed their love for us, but it wasn’t reciprocal? Welp, that’s Mr. Platonic. He’s the guy friend you’ve had forever. You tell him about your guy problems and come to him for advice and think nothing of it. He’s been there for you through your break-ups and make-ups. You had no idea he had feelings for you until he surprised you with embroidered matching his and her ankle socks. Being the great friend you are, you try to let Mr. Platonic down easily and reassure him that it won’t be awkward between the two of you. You actually believe it until you catch him spooning one of your old work uniforms. Needless to say, the friendship fizzles because it now embodies everything that is awkward.
9. Mr. Comfortable
Mr. Comfortable usually comes in the form of a long-term boyfriend. He’s the boyfriend you know you need to end things with, but you continue to stay in the relationship because it’s convenient and comfortable. It may be comfortable because you live together and, in your mind, it’s easier to stick it out because no one feels like looking for a new place. The relationship may be comfortable because he’s your first “real love” and you don’t feel like going through another long dating process with someone new. It may be comfortable because you’re approaching 30 and you want to be married with children, so you try to force a relationship that you know has run its course. Whatever the reason you’re deciding to stay in the emotionally draining relationship, you know deep down that it’s not a justifiable one.
While dating Mr. Comfortable, I learned that it’s always best to leave a stagnant relationship sooner than later, no matter how “comfortable” I thought I was. Ironically, during the midst of the relationship with Mr. Comfortable that was the most uncomfortable I’ve ever been.
10. Mr. Desperate (Vlogging)
All articles shared on http://www.muffiebradshaw.com are original pieces written by Muffie Bradshaw unless otherwise stated. So in other words, don’t re-blog without the props! =o)
From the Archives: Oh, You’re Dating Him too?
Having strong feelings, spending a considerable amount of time together, having sex, meeting the parents, etc. are not indicative of exclusivity. You go to the movies, meet for happy hour and have even gone on a few quick weekend trips. It’s the perfect relationship until you find out he is also having that type of fun and intimacy with someone else. You think about all the time and emotion you’ve invested and you’re disappointed in what you ended up with.
One thing that I learned very quickly during my early dating experiences as an adult is to never assume anything — especially when it comes to exclusivity. When you’re under the assumption that he is seeing only you, you’ve already set yourself up for major disappointment. I don’t know about you, but I want to make sure that my person of interest is on the same page as I am BEFORE I take my heart from under my sleeve Spanx® and put it on my sleeve.
Think of it like this: You wouldn’t assume that you have a full tank of gas before you and the girls make that six hour drive to D.C. would you? Of course not, you would check your tank to ensure you can get to your destination without getting stranded. Same thing goes for assuming when you’re dating someone. When you assume exclusivity, you risk being stranded; stranded with your emotions left out there with no certainty of the end result. When you know from the beginning that the person you have interest in is dating other people it allows you to “fill-up your tank” with the appropriate emotions so you don’t get stranded during your dating journey. In other words, don’t put all your lip gloss in just one hobo.
Here’s the bottom line, if you’re dating someone, take it for what it is: DATING. A lot of times we women choose to invest our time in someone who won’t even verbalize commitment, which makes no sense. Granted, it is easy to get wrapped up in the assumption of exclusivity when he makes you feel good, but you can’t let your heart do all the leading ALL the time. No matter how good you feel, that doesn’t change the fact that he may being seeing someone other than you (and that’s okay if you can handle it). Feelings have no relevance when it comes to knowing if you’re exclusive or not. Period. The ONLY way to know where you stand is to ask. Trust me, you won’t seem like Thirsty McJackson if you ask him if he’s dating someone else. Ideally, the “Are-You-Dating-Other-People” question shouldn’t be brought up after your first martini. But it should be brought up in one of your conversations sooner than later. If he says no, take his word for it and don’t-over think things. If he says yes, props for the honesty and don’t over-think things. Regardless of the answer, it’s still vital to keep the lines of communication if things change.
The best way to not fall into the assuming exclusivity trap is to set boundaries and expectations for your dating relationship. No matter how much you like the person you’re dating, don’t provide them with boyfriend/girlfriend perks if you’re not exclusive. Perks are extremely subjective and are not one-size fits all. For example, a boyfriend perk for me is sex. If we are not exclusive with one another and we have not made a commitment to be, it’s not going to happen no matter how good he looks in a suit. This perk may not be realistic to some people, which is totally understandable, but know ahead of time what limits you’re going to set for yourself when dating. Setting limits makes it easier to walk away from a dating relationship that’s not conducive because you know upfront what you’re willing and not willing to do. A lot of times we’re so busy trying to figure out what the person we’re just dating will do for us, we forget to truly assess the things we will and won’t do for them. I assure you that once this is done, the thick line between exclusivity and dating will be much clearer.
Muffie Bradshaw: The Dangers of Dating Someone with Potential
Muffie Bradshaw: PSA
Muffie Bradshaw: I’m Not Interested
Muffie Bradshaw on Pickup Lines
Turbans, ELF and Radomness
Turbans, ELF and Radomness
I’m trying to make the most of my last days of summer vacay before school and work start so I decided to play in makeup. I recently discovered E.L.F (Eyes, Lips,Face) cosmetics and I’m in love. For the price, it’s worth every dollar. Nothing that I saw at the E.L.F. counter was over $5, crazy right? Check out my totally unorganized babble about the makeup and other pointless miscellaneous talking points. Lol. Blame it on my ADD quirky personality.
