Written by: Don Ghotti
Edited by: Muffie Bradshaw
My cell rings after I return from lunch with Marisol. It’s Eugene calling back for the ninth time in a row. I finally answer in my best exhausted voice. He replies with, ”Baby, it’s me. Eugene. I’ve been tryna catch you for the last hour!” I look at my watch just to kill some time. I apologize and tell him I got caught up chatting with my homegirl and how work is kicking my butt. He didn’t seem to let that phase him and he asks me to meet him for dinner. I responded with a, “Let me get back to you,” and called my friend Dominique to tell her about my potential date with Eugene. After some laughs and giggles, she reminds me of the 90-day rule and gives me her blessing. Soon after, I text Eugene with a yes.
Work is finally over and I quickly remove my red heels–which have been killing my feet all day–and put on my Toms. Eugene suggested that we meet at Lure Fishbar on Mercer so I catch the crowded Q train down to Canal Street. I get off at my stop and run up the steps right into a late afternoon rain. Eugene could’ve sent car service for me or something, I thought. I look up and there he is with a gigantic Burberry umbrella. As we go inside, I made a sarcastic remark about his gigantic umbrella and told I him I needed a drink ASAP.
The evening was rather pleasant as we sat by an open window listening to the rain and dined on some rather exotic sushi. Eugene ordered his third dirty martini (extra dirty) as I sipped my fourth pomegranate martini. The conversation flowed like the Hudson River; very fluid and at times provocative.
We finally finished dessert and Eugene asked me if I could use a foot massage as he reached for my Toms. I acquiesced. He slowly and sensually removed my Toms and started to caress my freshly pedicured pink toes. My eyes rolled back and I held back a very low moan. I could get used to this…
“HERE’S YOUR CHECK, ” the waiter interrupts. At that time, Eugene gets a phone call and has to step away abruptly. Five minutes pass before he finally returns. The check still remains on the middle of the table where the waiter left it. ”Ready to go, Babes?” Eugene says. I reply, ”Aren’t you forgetting something?” He opens the check and says, ”Oh, I thought you already paid it.” Gasp!
Author’s Corner: There’s nothing in the relationship bible that states a man should pay on the first date, however, sometimes a man will test a woman’s initial commitment by allowing them the first opportunity to pay. In this instance, Eugene did ask her to dinner; therefore, I agree that he should pay without question.
Women, if you really want to step outside of the box and impress a man, you should insist on paying for the initial meal. I promise you this will dispel several myths like the 1950’s one that a man should pay for every thing as well as the age old ”Gold-digger” one. Please share this blog with your home girls and discuss at the water cooler at work.
Editor’s Note: Guest posts, guest videos, guest articles and all other guest material posted on http://www.muffiebradshaw.com is no direct reflection of Muffie Bradshaw’s viewpoints and/or opinions.
Are you Settling?
Written By: Muffie Bradshaw
Written by: Muffie Bradshaw
Often times we are quick to label ourselves as “settling” if we renege on one or two expectations for a mate; but in all actuality, the determination of settling should not be dependent upon one or two wants that aren’t being met. Instead, settling should be based on specific needs that aren’t being met.
Knowing the difference between a need and a want is simple: If your need is not met, you will continuously be dissatisfied with the relationship. Trying to convince yourself that your need is an insignificant want, may seem tolerable for a while but your tolerance will eventually turn into resentment and discontent. Consequently, you’ll most likely leave the relationship, have many failed attempts in changing the person or both due to your neglected needs. Conversely, a want will not be a significant hindrance if it’s not met because your needs in the relationship are being met. For example, ideally you wouldn’t want your partner to have any children, but you end up in a relationship with someone who does. This doesn’t act as a hindrance because you’re still satisfied with the relationship due to your emotional and physical needs being met.
So, when is it okay to reconsider your “needs” without categorizing it as settling? I don’t have a clear-cut answer for you, but I can certainly help you figure it out by sharing my experience:
The older I got, the more I realized that a lot of things on my “needs” list were merely insignificant wants that weren’t required for a fulfilling relationship. It was then that I realized I could be missing out on a great guy because I refused to look past his relative–and sometimes minimal–flaws. I was so unwilling to “settle”, not because his flaws were intolerable, but because I was fearful that I wouldn’t be content with the relationship. Once I realized that ideal was faulty, I was able to be more accepting of a seemingly flawed man…
In my perfect world, the person I end up in a relationship with would have impeccable style sense (among many other things) and know that it’s not okay to wear creased sweatpants with Kenneth Cole church shoes. I couldn’t imagine “settling” for anything less until I started dating a Mr. No Style who lacked the fashion sense I so badly desired. We met up for a first date and I couldn’t understand why he thought a FUBU hoodie and mustard color khakis were acceptable to wear outside of Halloween, yard work and/or washing his car. I felt bad because of my obvious shallowness and tried everything short of counseling to get past this HUGE turnoff because I knew it was stupid to ex him out due to the way he dressed. After several failed attempts of, “Babe, I don’t like your Sammy Davis inspired tap shoes. Why don’t we go for something a little more subtle,” didn’t work, I eventually realized I had the choice of leaving the relationship or accepting his flaw. Would I be settling if I choose to stick with a guy who was fashionably challenged? It was then that I realized I had misperceived my ideal of settling. Not getting everything I fantasized about in a partner was not indicative of settling…
Simply put, the list of “needs” we have for a mate should not hinder the authenticity of a good relationship due to trivial wants we deem as mandatory. If you find yourself trying to change what you thought you accepted, that may be an indication that significant needs are not getting met. If you find yourself content with something you thought you couldn’t accept, that may be an indication that your needs are being substantially met. Either way, it is important to understand the magnitude of knowing exactly what you need out of a partner in order to maximize the relationship’s success. Remember: You’re not settling if you date someone with flaws. You’re settling if you continue to date someone whose flaws neglect your needs.