“Hi Muffie!! I recently rekindled things with a guy I initially met in 2009. When I met him he had zero children. Now he has 1 and one on the way by 2 different women. Every time I think I’ve shaken him somehow we end up speaking and making out again. Whenever we are together we discuss our future and what it might have been had he not pro-created. I really do love this man. Anytime I see him I get butterflies. I’ve dismissed him many times for what I’ve considered to be poor choices. Now we are both single despite him having a child on the way. What should I do?”
-Desperate in DC
Hi Desperate in DC,
You mentioned that you two often talk about your future together and imagine a life before he had children. It’s fun to think about those things, but unfortunately that’s not reality. Be careful! Don’t fall in love with the fantasy; fall in love with the reality. Your reality with this man is that he has 1.5 children and has done things in the past to make you reconsider moving forward with him (maybe those things should go into the reality pile). The real question is can you handle and accept the reality and let go of the fantasy?
All relationships have speed bumps and crossroads and there’s agood chance that the reality of the situation can be worked through if you are okay with accepting him just as he is in this moment. However, there are a few things that I would like you to ponder before fully pursuing a relationship with him: (1)Aside from you calling things off, what has prohibited him in making an exclusive commitment with you? Five years is a long time to know someone in that capacity. If he has never brought the idea of an exclusive relationship up over the years, I would compel you to ask him why. (2) I would encourage you to examine his past relationship patterns with his children’s mothers in the most organic way possible (Please don’t have a list of 54 questions when you guys meet for happy hour). These things will help you separate the fantasy and reality of the situation and aide you in making the decision. Can you handle and accept the reality and let go of the fantasy?