Ask Muffie: My Boyfriend Needs to Get His Act Together! Help!

Dear Muffie,

I met this guy on a social media site and I fell for him immediately after he told me he thinks that I may be the one.  I really like this guy and have gone all out for him. I have provided for him financially, given him my time and have been to visit him on many occasions (he lives in Columbus and I live in NY, so it’s long distance). However, I am starting to feel a little uneasy because he doesn’t have a job and is trying to get back on his feet. He has never been to visit me and doesn’t know any of my family. I don’t want to seem like I am all about money but I have done a lot for this guy…Things I would not normally do.  We argue a lot and I feel like we should be more happy than we are because we have been together for almost a year. I want more from him. Should I wait for him to get on his feet or just be friends until he gets his act together?

Sincerely,

Baffled in Brooklyn

___________

cropped-muffie_bradshaw_orange_large-1.jpgDear Baffled in Brooklyn,

It sounds like you have invested a lot of time and money waiting for him to make some changes. From what I read, it seems that the relationship started off as you being the financial steady by providing for him and flying/driving to see him. Although I am sure you did not envision being the only one who has her things in order, it has surely turned out that way. Remember: How the relationship starts off usually sets the precedent for the relationship.

A key word in your summary was: “WAIT”. Always remember that when you wait for someone to possess an important quality that you need for a fulfilling relationship, you’re also “waiting” on your happiness and contentment. I’m not saying that’s wrong, but waiting is a gamble because there is no guarantee that he is going to change any time soon. I believe the feelings of uneasiness–and what sounds like resentment– are stemmed from not getting what you need from the relationship. I am gathering from the background you provided that you would like a man who is more stable financially.  It also sounds like there is a certain level of intimacy missing that you desire (e.g. Getting to know your family, etc.). Unfortunately, you’re not being provided with any of those things.

To answer your question: If you’re not getting what you need, it probably won’t be in your best interest to continue the relationship because his behavior over the last year has not been indicative of what you desire in a mate. I will leave you with this: Sacrificing your happiness based on someone else’s failed attempts to give you what you need will usually result in feelings of resentment and frustration even when love is involved.

-Muffie B.

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About Muffie Bradshaw, Dating Coach

Muffie Bradshaw is an award-winning relationship blogger and dating coach who has been seen on The Steve Harvey Show. Other works include online magazines including, but not limited to, singleblackmale.org and womensforum.com. With many relationship experiences, including breakups, dating successes and disasters, Muffie knows firsthand the mistakes women should avoid when going through the ups and downs of dating. Through her writing and coaching services, Muffie specializes in helping women reach a higher level of understanding regarding their dating lives through self-assuring decision making techniques, self-reflection and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) inspired methods.

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